You need 75 points out of a 100 to enter. There are four categories, with 25 points each. I prefer the holistic approach, which focuses on different aspects of the individual.
Category #1: Awesomeness. This requires the applicant to prove if he or she is cool enough. Men must prove the ability to grow a really awesome mustache. Points are given for fullness, form, and pizazz. If the man cannot grow a mustache, implants and/or prosthetics are permitted. Women are generally awesome anyways, but I think they should be given something like how well they can make an omelet or change a flat tire.
Category #2: Smartness. All applicants must be able to spell the states and the District of Columbia, in descending alphabetical order รก la Drop Dead Gorgeous. One half-point will be given for each correct answer (you don't have to do Missouri- it's not really a state).
Category #3: Family ties/ Skills. This was a controversial part of the process, but I decided to give 50% for having a cool family member already in the USA (like someone with mad nun chuck skills or a pony) and 50% for having a valuable skill such as lion taming, pie baking, or a PhD.
Category #4: Obstacle course. We're talking potato sack races, tug-o-war, relay races with sponges, water, and buckets, or something from Double Dare (slime, anyone?). Points are awarded for how well you did in the race, with extra points given if you can humiliate an opponent in the process.
I thought I'd take the test (well, theoretically at least). I would give myself 24 points for the mustache (see left). I'd also get 20 points for the smartness (it helps because I did take several geography courses) and 20 points for being a city planner (we're cool, you know). The obstacle course would be hard. I'm only giving myself 10 points, because I couldn't handle any monkey bars, and I never really mastered the jungle gym. That leaves me with 74 points and a problem...Maybe Canada will let me in. I hear their obstacle course is a lot easier.
3 comments:
brilliant system. thinking of it should give you another awesome point.
now you can stay in the country. which is good because now i can marry you for a green card. i need the 25 "family ties" points.
Wow... genius! You should go into politics. I'd vote for you. :)
do you get bonus points for side burns, beards (with/without braids and/or beads), goatees (except for the sissy well-trimmed french variety, of course), bleach/dye/kool-aid, handlebars (with or without wax), or soul patches? if so, i would have about 134 points.
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