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It may be funny. It may be true. But Leave Us Chads ALONE!


Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'

Don't we all feel like Kevin sometimes? I know I certainly do. A lot.

Wink!

Fun Times

Dearest Reader(s):

Here are some pictures I thought you might like from my trip to Germany and Switzerland last year. I thought you'd like some more short, Lederhose-wearing Bavarian action in Munich,

followed by some awesome Swiss lion action in Luzern:

The editor thanks you for reading this blog and making it a great experience for all through your comments. Please continue your participation in the future.

And stay awesome.

Fondest Regards,

Chad Can Plan

How Do You Do It?

Because I'm just awesome like that!

So, I thought I would set about decorating my work to my liking. In any case, I thought I would show you what I got. It's not much, but I think it's worth a gander.

I thought I'd start with the maps and work my way clockwise. The maps are to help me find out where I am in the United States. Sometimes I form the map of the United States in my head and think: "Wow! Nevada really is all that way to the west!"

Then I have three quotes/phrases. I wished they were inspirational, but they're really just the instructions from the bookshelf that I am trying to put up. I can't seem to get past "Hammer nail into wood."

Next I have some pictures of Germany, one from a pen pal in the East (the Goth child Germany) and some postcards from my totally awesome trip to Munich in the West (The preppie Germany). I also have a picture of His Eminence Pope Benedict XVI. Now you may be asking why I have a picture of the Pope on my wall. That's easy. I bought one postcard for someone who I'm sure has a thing for elderly Bavarian men. And then I bought another. Come on, you can never have too many pontifical postcards (say that three times fast).
I also have two postcards from Finland because it's cool. Actually cold. Very cold.

In the center I have a card from my other pen pal in East Germany. It has a cute dog on it. Let's talk a closer look, though. It has pretty good quality, especially for a picture taken from a camera (thank you Mom, Dad, and Holly).

And most of all, I think people enjoy the greatest decoration of all:

I'm just that adorable.

El Cinco de Chado

When I came to Sacramento, I knew I would come here single. In fact, I kinda planned it that way. But that meant that I would have to start the dating scene here from scratch. And I am starting from scratch. This means, however, that I must choose a dating strategy of my choice. There are actually several types of dating strategies, most of which involve alcohol.

I chose the cinco method for myself. This was taught to me by my awesome roommates Matt, John, Hacksaw, and Puls. Essentially what you do is you have a queue of the five most boxom and flirty Single young Mormon women you know. You start at the top, ask her out, and then work your way down as they are removed from the queue and new ones are brought in. If you like one you keep it as long as you'd like until you're removed from the program all together. Kinda like Netflix.
The problem is, women are the ultimate gatekeepers in dating. In other words, I can ask one out, but she can say no. And she does. A lot. That brings me to another principle of dating: the +/- 1 rule. This rule says that a guy can really only expect to go out with a girl 1 point ahead of him on the 1 to 10 scale. A girl, in turn, will only go for a guy at most 1 point less than her.
I'd say I'm about a 5. This may be generous considering I'm 5' 8 1/4", have a receding hairline, a crooked spine, poor posture (surprisingly not related to the spine), and perpetual garlic breath (I like Italian food, thank you very much!). The best I can hope for is a 6, maybe a 7 if she is defective in some way (make sure you check the hyperlink). But I have a solution:
A dream cinco.
Yes, I actually have to develop two separate cincos- one with realistic goals, and one where I shoot for the stars. Even the sky-in-the-clouds cinco has some limits. Like the following person is not in my cinco because she's married to a man with the world's most powerful army.

But look at how toned her arms are!
So I figured I'd share my dream cinco with y'all.
1. Pam from the Office. I don't care if that isn't the actress's real name because I'm not in love with Jenna Fischer. I'm in love with Pam. It is a dream cinco after all.
2. Esmeralda from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It doesn't matter to me that she's not three-dimensional. She is hot and sensitive. And she was kind to the hunchback, who was like a 1 or 2, so there's always hope.
3. Enya, or Eithne Patricia Ní Bhraonáin. Voice of an Angel she has. As well as an Irish accent. And money. Money. MONEY.
4. Dame Helen Mirren. Sure, she may be old enough to be my mother, but I mean come on. She's been made a dame. And she no longer does you know what.
5. Christina Stürmer. She's just a really hot woman with a little bit of edge- just what I like. If you're interested, observe from this video from her record label's YouTube channel. I think you'll see.
Wish me luck as I go through my cinco queue.

Something I Learned from Dancing Golden Retrievers

One beautiful Saturday night I was doing what any self-respecting Chad would do: watch his regular routine of Animal Planet, preferably Dogs 101 at 7:00 and at 8:00, and the stern former British Model turned dog (and people) trainer in It's Me or the Dog at 9:00 PM.
But one Saturday it wasn't on. Instead, it was an Animal Planet special about dancing dogs that have human partners. How cute is that! There were beautiful muts, sassy spaniels, and elegant white English Golden Retrievers. They followed the movements of their owners so well, were so eager to please. It was magic.
The human contestants were pleasant single women in their thirties and above with a passion for animals and panache for dance.
And then I realized something profound:
I need a girlfriend.
Stat.
This is not something I should be doing alone on a Saturday night.
Now I have an idea that any clever bureaucrat would have in a time like this:
A standard application form to date Chad.
I can't say that this is actually new. Or even my idea. In fact, I saw someone at BYU with a shirt in Japanese that said: "Now Accepting Applications for a Japanese Girlfriend."
Then I say to myself: "Self-I can do that. I mean, I can read, write, and make forms."
So here you go world: The application to be Chad's Girlfriend.

Instructions: Paste the following text to a Microsoft Word document, convert to pdf and send to Chad, and then submit in triplicate with a $25 processing fee.

1. Name.
2. Sex. (Sorry boys, males are out)
3. Religion. (I only want Mormon girls, sorry Episcopalians)
4. Are you Canadian? (Note: this does not automatically exclude you but it is an important deciding factor)
5. Height. (Remember that I'm only 5' 8 1/4")
6. Education.
7. Age. (Caution: you must be within my half my age plus seven AND your half your age plus seven range. Cougars are not automatically rejected).
8. Home State: ______________________
9. What would you do on your dream date?
10. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
11. What are your feelings towards The Simpsons?
12. List the top 15 things you like about Chad.
13. Your feelings toward form-based codes can be described as.......
Please answer the following factual questions correctly:
14. Chad's least favorite president is: ______________
15. Chad's most favorite male German chancellor is: ______________
16. A train traveling at 60 mph is leaving Washington, D.C. at 5:00 pm headed toward Philadelphia. A train leaving Dayton, OH is traveling toward Louisville, KY at 40 mph. Which train is blue?
17. Chad's favorite band is: _____________________
18. Complete the following Finnish sentence using the proper form of kauppa. Me menimme _________.
19. The thing that disappointed Chad the most about the movie for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was:_____________
Essay Question:
20. Although many cite that democracy in the Weimar Republic died the day Hitler came to power in January 1933, many believe that democracy in fact died earlier in the Republic's short lifespan. Build a convincing argument why you agree or disagree with this statement, citing the influence of Reich Chancellors von Papen and Schleicher and Presidents Ebert and von Hindenburg. (Limit 6,000 words)
_______
See? Easy as pie. I think I will have a girlfriend in exactly 67 hours, nay, 52 hours.
Thank you, golden retrievers, for teaching me a true lesson in life.

The Apocalypse, Or How Chad is the World's Biggest Spaz

Ah yes. The Apocalypse. Or the ApoCALIpse as I like to call it. Let's just say Duerer and I had a disagreement over how many horsemen to put in the woodcutting. Yes, I'm talking about the Fifth Horseman of the ApoCALIpse- the California fiscal crisis that's gripping Sacramento (I know, two word plays per sentence is overkill).
We're talking lay offs, reduced pay, furloughs, and who knows what else. Cats and dogs hugging each other. That kind of thing. My days at work may be numbered according to the "last one in, first one out" principle of pink slips (A cousin of the "move the meat, lose the seat" rule that prevailed in my house growing up. I'd get to sit in that Laz-E Boy again some day if it weren't in recliner heaven.).
So in doing my research for contingency plans after the ApoCALIpse does it job and ends my brief time in the sun, I figured where else to turn but a place for spazes. or spasses. Again, I didn't know how to spell spaz (another reason that I am the world's biggest spaz).
I came across this video under spass (German for 'fun'- I did spend 12 years learning German for a purpose), I realized I have a plan B.
German.
80s.
Music.
Sensation.
Please watch the video and observe my careful reasoning why this is a good plan B.

For starters, I already speak German. That was the long and hard first step. German music sensations need German skills or German lip-synching skills a la Milli Vanilli.
Second, I'm a child of the 80s. Anything from the 80s is good fun for me. And if it involves bizarre costumes, hair, and makeup, that's OK. I am a slave to my art.
Third, you never know when having one shirt tail tucked in and one hanging out will come back in fashion. I mean, who knew five years ago that the skinny tie would be back in. Or good dental hygiene. I certainly was taken by surprise.
Fourth, the groupies and the roadies. I don't know if I'll ever make money as a New German Wave (Neue Deutsche Welle) musician, but I don't think it matters. It's about people, the people that accompany me on my every trip. And if they happen to, say, buy an overpriced t-shirt or two, who's the victim? And if they get a I heart Chad tattoo on their ankle or wrist, that's just money back in our economy. I mean, I'm not the one to cause other people pain.
I'm just the world's biggest spaz.

Things I Must Do Before I am 40 or My Life is a COMPLETE Failure

There is no limit to this list- there can be as many as we need. Note: these things must be a real accomplishment. Feel free to add to it.

1. Run for Congress and win.
2. Run for Congress against Pat Buchanan or Ralph Nader and lose.
3. Re-unite Destiny's Child for a successful world tour.
4. Lead France to victory in battle, OR have a mystical fourteen-year-old girl do it and take the credit.
5. Find my dog Butterscotch who ran away when I was 17.
6. Bake a pie that will end world hunger.
7. Make Chuck Norris cry.
8. Cure cancer (solved by #7).
9. Give Keanu Reeves an acting lesson and get results!
10. Out 5 celebrities (Note: they can't be from a reality tv show or Broadway).
11. Make Ghostbusters III.
12. Crash the British Academy of Film and Television Arts (BAFTA) Awards after-party.
13. Recover the 18 1/2 minute gap in the Nixon tapes.
14. Fix the California budget crisis.
15. Build a car run only on my own enthusiasm.
16. Become prime minister of New Zealand.
17. Rig the Stanley Cup finals.