I'm Fixin' to Write A Blogpost

Hey, y'all. Since I'll be moving to a college town in the South ( Gainesville, FL), I thought I'd check out some of the slang down there in Dixie. So I did a Google search and came up with this website (http://littlerock.about.com/cs/southernlife/a/aasouthslang.htm). I thought that, for your amusement, I would take the slang, ignore the definitions, and tell y'all what I think they should mean based on their sound. For the real definitions, see the website above. Enjoy!

Cattywampus- A ceremony in which a cat is doused with water and ridiculed with harsh sarcasm, followed by catnip-induced fun all around. This is generally only performed by Uncle Billy every time he gets into the "cough syrup."

Frog Gig- Musical performance with violins, accordians, well-trained frogs and other swamp creatures.

Grab a Root- A trip to the grocery store before a long haul in the ol' big rig.

Piddlin'- **This definition cannot be displayed as the mere mention of it has been banned in Britain**

Pokeweed- Tobacco/tobackie, of the normal and wacky varieties.

Scarce as Hen's Teeth- Phrase that indicates anger or low intelligence: "Why, his wits are as scarce as hen's teeth," or "His patience is as scarce as hen's teeth right now. You'd best not bother 'im."

Washateria- This is a business establishment where a laundromat has been combined with a cafeteria. Despite its functionality and potential use a community center, it never really got out of the just-written-down-on-a-cocktail-napkin planning stage.

Yeens- Confused, as in "Why, I don't know what's wrong with the old Cadillac. I'm simply in the yeens about the whole matter."

I'm Smoking HOT

The other day I found out that the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America) is coming out with new rules for ratings. We're in for a large round of changes. Namely, that any movie that glamorizes smoking will receive an automatic R rating because of inappropriate content. Never mind that people actually, *gasp*, smoke in public places no lessall the time. I was frankly taken aback at this because, well, who doesn't love the fresh scent of tobacco and stale booze in bus depots, casinos, and tattoo parlors? Nevertheless, people will still try to express their love of tobacco in movies and television. The following is my prediction of specific scenarios where tobacco use will occur on the big and little screen:

* Chewing tobacco. I can picture a celebrity, say [Insert name of a famous, wild and partying 20-something here] chewing a nice wad of tobacco and spitting it out, getting her nice dress covered in brown, yummy chaw juice. This naturally leads to...

* Spittoons everywhere. They have such a nice retro 1870s look to them. I bet you could find some at a flea market in Kentucky or West Virginia. Imagine your favorite crime or mob drama with grandpa's old spittoon in it.

* Snuff. Sure, you may deplore the damage it does to, well, everything above your navel, but it's not a cigarette, so it won't warrant an 'R' rating. Plus, you can rediscover the joys of 1640s-science in smearing a chunky brown carcinogen on your gums or inhaling it into a bodily orifice.

Seriously, folks. Don't smoke- not only because smoking causes cancer, but because it'll warrant you an R.

The plant in question. Photo courtesy of the USDA.

Three Wishes

The other day, someone asked me what I thought about the weather here in Fresno. Naturally, the topic soon turned to what I'd do with three wishes, should I ever be granted any. Now, some people want crazy things like money, the ability to fly, or fame and fortune. That's fine and dandy for some, but I think it's rather impractical. I thought I'd let y'all know what I'd do with three wishes.

For starters, I really only need two.

Wish #1: Teleportation Powers. Because flying takes too long. Let's face it, if you wanted to, say, feed a kangaroo in Australia for lunchtime, you'd have to fly all the way there and back. And let's face it, that would just take too long. Teleportation gives you all the benefits of flying without the hastle of dodging planes, bugs, and mountains. Okay, you may not have the thrill of flying, but you'd get there faster and could even bring a friend. And you play some really cool pranks- Peekaboo anyone?

Wish #2: A crime-fighting tiger. One that would let me ride and pet it, and one that would have the temperament of a well-trained German shepherd. Think of it: not only would I have a tiger, but the tiger would benefit the community by stopping criminals. Plus, the tiger would let me ride it with my locks of man-beautiful hair flapping in the wind (Is there really any other way to ride a tiger?). The following is an artist's/my rendering in a JPEG of what the tiger would look like.

I'd technically have one wish left, but I don't think I'd really need it because my first two wishes are so cool. Now, you may be think that I should use my last wish to end world poverty or bring world peace, but I think you're being selfish and should get your own three wishes.