Plain Language

There were many words that confused me as a child because they weren't what they sounded like.

Take butterfly, for instance. It isn't really a fly. It isn't really butter. And it tastes icky (I'd like a second opinion though). Why did we name this insect after something it's not?

Or euthanasia. I thought to myself: "They're young. They're sexy. They're hip. They're Asian. What Chinese person doesn't look fondly on their euthanasia?" And then I found out what euthanasia was. So I changed my opinion of the matter.

Or buttermilk. It doesn't taste like butter or milk. I know this because I performed this experiment as a 9 year-old. I took milk and, well, Molly McButter because I somehow thought it work better than regular butter (powder dissolves better than solid butter does, as you may know). The result was, well, disappointing. And gagging. It was 10 years before I tried the real thing.

The same principle holds true for making orange julius from milk and powdered Tang. I learned the hard way.

Crossing the Boundary

So there's this whole immigration debate. Now I know that you don't like to talk politics, and I only do so when I feel particularly frisky, but living with an official in the immigration service (aka dad) I don't really know if it's politics or the family business. That said, I thought I'd present my plan for a point system to allow immigration to the USA.

You need 75 points out of a 100 to enter. There are four categories, with 25 points each. I prefer the holistic approach, which focuses on different aspects of the individual.

Category #1: Awesomeness. This requires the applicant to prove if he or she is cool enough. Men must prove the ability to grow a really awesome mustache. Points are given for fullness, form, and pizazz. If the man cannot grow a mustache, implants and/or prosthetics are permitted. Women are generally awesome anyways, but I think they should be given something like how well they can make an omelet or change a flat tire.

Category #2: Smartness. All applicants must be able to spell the states and the District of Columbia, in descending alphabetical order á la Drop Dead Gorgeous. One half-point will be given for each correct answer (you don't have to do Missouri- it's not really a state).

Category #3: Family ties/ Skills. This was a controversial part of the process, but I decided to give 50% for having a cool family member already in the USA (like someone with mad nun chuck skills or a pony) and 50% for having a valuable skill such as lion taming, pie baking, or a PhD.

Category #4: Obstacle course. We're talking potato sack races, tug-o-war, relay races with sponges, water, and buckets, or something from Double Dare (slime, anyone?). Points are awarded for how well you did in the race, with extra points given if you can humiliate an opponent in the process.

I thought I'd take the test (well, theoretically at least). I would give myself 24 points for the mustache (see left). I'd also get 20 points for the smartness (it helps because I did take several geography courses) and 20 points for being a city planner (we're cool, you know). The obstacle course would be hard. I'm only giving myself 10 points, because I couldn't handle any monkey bars, and I never really mastered the jungle gym. That leaves me with 74 points and a problem...

Maybe Canada will let me in. I hear their obstacle course is a lot easier.

Planning My Next Move

With only two and a half weeks to go till I move to Florida, I thought I'd make a list of travel plans, you know, some things I should do or have ready for the trip.

1. First Aid Kit for the Flight. $16 at the pharmacy. The best one I found has a glow stick with it. You never know when a 747 Jumbo Jet could become a hard-core rave, and you'd definitely not want to be without a glow stick (see diagram below).

2. Prison Story for the bus trip. Although buses aren't part of the equation, at least at this stage, I figured I should have a prison story handy just in case. I'm having a hard time deciding between tax evasion, or serial arsonist. I'm guessing arsonist because that requires less thought in making it elaborate and interesting. "You see, I just got so mad, that I had to torch my ex-wife's Honda..." "It's just the government getting you down, man."

3. Alligator repellant. I think I can make one out of duct tape, blankets, a garbage bag, and a pool net. That's what I used to capture and release a bird out of my living room with, so I think if I just use a heavier-duty trash bag, it'll work.

If you think of anything else I'll need, hurry quick and tell me because Florida's coming in just a couple weeks.

Unibrow Eunice

I'd like you to meet Eunice.

She's special to me because she helps me illustrate an important point:

Sin is like a unibrow. You know it's ugly, everyone else knows it's ugly, but until you do something about it, until you pluck it off, it's going to be with you 24/7.

And while plucking it out is painful, its rewards are endless.

I plan on using Eunice in talks, lessons, interviews, parole hearings, and nursery. She's so in-your-face and direct that there's no forgetting her message.

And she fits really nicely on a 24" by 18" blue felt board.

To set the record straight

In the interest of full disclosure, I thought I would add that I thought my coworker who called me Carl was actually two different people- I think he alternates between glasses and contacts. Oh, and I thought his name was Rick or Tom, but turned out to be something different. Ooops!

A Chad By Any Other Name...

My week-long adventure ended yesterday.
Yup. I broke the news to my coworker yesterday that my name was, in fact, not Carl but Chad. He had been calling me Carl for the past week and a half and, well, I didn't have the heart to break it to him that my name is Chad.
It actually happened rather gradually. He first called me Carl, and I thought he was talking to someone else. The second time, I thought he might be talking to me, but I wasn't quite sure. The third time-the clincher-he said, "Good Morning Carl," and I knew he was speaking directly to my soul. But he had passed the corner too fast for me to correct him, and I wanted so desperately in my heart to yell out: "I'm Chad, but thank you anyways." But it was too late. The rest of the time, well, I just let it slide. What's wrong with being a Carl? Carl Weathers, Carl Rove, Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" (well, half way there), and Carl the Great (AKA Charlemagne). But I knew that I had to be true to myself. So yesterday, when we sat down to lunch, he said: "Good afternoon, Carl." I just had to break it to him gently.
"You know, uh, my name's actually Chad."
"Then why did you let me call you Carl for so long?"
Despite the fact that I wanted to lie and say that I have an imaginary friend named Carl he was supposedly talking to who likes comic books and comes to work with me, I had to face up and tell him the truth:
"You were gone so fast, that, I, um um um, didn't have time to correct you."
He accepted this explanation, and everyone was content.

But oh, to be Carl again....

Why I'm Not a Military Man

Yesterday I went paintballing with my coworkers. Yes, I'm as surprised as you are. I actually had a very fun time. But I realized that I would make a horrible soldier. Amazingly, I didn't a) soil myself, b) cry a lot, or c) surrender like,

well, you know.

Most of the time, I hid behind rocks and trees. I even walked across the fields in the open at times. The reason I won't make a good soldier is that I didn't know what to do when I got shot. I basically just stood there and got hit. Nope, I didn't run for cover, nor did I fire back. I just stood there like a deer in headlights. I think that would make me a bad soldier.

So when it comes to it, I wouldn't hesitate to volunteer for the army if my country needed me. But would my country want me? Probably not.

Dramatization of me

playing paintball

Things that Go Bump in the Day

Well, in order to set the background for my next post, I thought I'd like to reveal to you my hidden secret. Ok here it goes:

I'm afraid of almost everything.

Yup, that's right. Pretty much everything. George Washington, the open ocean, cardboard, Maury Povich, and the Fonz all give me the heebie jeebies. That's not even to mention my black cat Squishy, unknown dogs, and especially flying objects both unidentified and identified. In fact, the only things that don't give me the willies are things that often make other people's flesh crawl. Namely,

Clowns. Know your enemy, and know it well.

Not Without My Baby 4

So the thought came to me today that I should chuck this whole city planning thing and become an actor. Why? I really can't say other than that it's not a crime to impersonate an actor while I guess it is to impersonate a city planner.

I think I'll get started doing something small, like a made-for-cable-tv-movie. I've basically narrowed it down to two networks: LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) and G4 (The Nerd Channel). I think that I'll pick the lowest common denominator and go with LMN. Now you may be questioning my masculinity going for such a choice (and you're right to do so), but I'd just like to say that during my 3 1/2 weeks of unemployment I did some things I'm not proud of, like spending 15 minutes watching LMN. Please Don't Judge Me.

So I thought I'd start with something very small and low-budgety, like Not Without My Baby 4, the saga of a woman to get her baby back AT ALL COSTS. Two possible roles come to mind for me: bumbling East German official, or delivery truck driver. I especially like the delivery truck driver option because I could use footage of me as a delivery truck driver in my possible life as a professional delivery truck driver. In any case, the movie would have to feature me doing an awkward who-on-earth-would-say-that-in-real-life kind of line like: "All will be well if we follow the leader's plan." After dangerous encounters and glamourous headshots, the movie would end with an amazing song by an 80's big hair band and the credits rolling over a tropical sunset.

I really haven't thought how I'd pursue my career from there. Possibly I would have the option to star in Double Mint gum commercials with my real-life twin Mickey Rooney, or I would have to (Grrrrrr) become a VJ on MT2. Wish me luck everybody.

Quotes that Show why I love the Simpsons

I thought I'd share some of my favorite Simpson's quotes because, well, our nice large HD TV broke after 4 1/2 years. Enjoy!

"It will be a cold day in heck before I recognize Missour-ah!" Grandpa Simpson in response to why his flag only has 49 stars.

"Freemasons run the country." The germs on Wayland Smither's face when Mr. Burns runs the casino.

Ralph Wiggum: "Daddy, these rubber pants are hot."
Chief Wiggum: "You'll wear 'em till you learn son."

Homer: "Twenty Dollars?! But I wanted a peanut!"
Homer's Brain: "Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts."
Homer: "Explain how."
Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

Lisa: "They say I'm pretty smart."
Madam Wu: "And they said Tibet was pretty independent."
(From the episode where the Simpsons go to China)

Hodgepodge of Fun

Some thoughts came to me today. Some very deep thoughts about life.

Like today, I was driving down Fresno Street (in Fresno, CA) and saw a bank, who's name was Rabobank.
On first sight, however, it looked like Robobank. I thought of RoboTellers, RoboLenders, and RoboATMs. Then, my mind drifted to the Saturday Night Live Commercial where a man is selling robot insurance to a group of senior citizens. His voice warns potential victims of the cold, steel arms that could attack them when they least expect it. I'm scared.

I also saw the video for the winner of the German version of American Idol, A.K.A. Deutschland Sucht den Superstar (Germany Seeks the SuperStar). His name is Mark, and he did what no man I know has ever done: Grown a goatee and a flavor-saver patch-like thing at the same time, grown out the flavor-saver patch to, say, four inches, and given it blond highlights. Brilliant. I would like to know what the ladies out there have to say about this feat of cosmetology.

I also discovered that the secret ingredient is love--and butter.

For those of you who would like to view the flavor-saver-like thing in all its glory, here is the very long link to it. Please enjoy in moderation.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.theclix.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/markmedlock.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.theclix.com/2007/05/06/gefuhlskonig-mark-medlock-ist-neuer-superstar-und-jetzt/&h=350&w=233&sz=39&hl=en&start=51&tbnid=qmhapMZEKjwdpM:&tbnh=120&tbnw=80&prev=/images%3Fq%3D%2522Mark%2BMedlock%2522%26start%3D40%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN