Farmer's Tan

Ahhh Yes. The farmer's tan. There are many types of bad tans in this world: the farmer's tan, the Texas Tan, the Trailer Tan, the Trucker's Tan, the Taxi Tan (in Britain- how you get a tan in Britain is beyond me), and the Biket's tan. Most people try to eliminate these types of bad tans by browning those areas that aren't tan. My solution: get rid of the tan altogether. I think I'm almost there.

Have a happy 2009, y'all.

So Much Better than Roseanne Bar's Version

So I always thought that "God Bless America" would make a better National Anthem than the "Star Spangled Banner." It's not that I really hated the song, or Francis Scott Key for that matter. I really hated the way people sang the song. They belt it out, they can't get the pitches right, and they make it a lot grander than it really needs to be. So I figured they should go for an easier song that people won't butcher but that is equally patriotic though of a less illustrious heritage.
Until I saw this video. It is French people singing our Anthem for us. Sure, they have a "few pitch problems," to use Randy Jackson's phrase, and they don't have great pronunciation at times, but they do a good job. It's simple and not grandiose, perhaps like Francis Scott Key intended.
http://www.pangeaday.org/index.php

Victory Speech

Dear fellow SPA members,

Thank you for electing me president of the Student Planning Association. After a hard fought campaign, we won the popular vote and the super delegates. We can enter a new phase in SPA, one that is filled with more participation and action by our members.
I envision a SPA filled with enthusiasm. We have so many opportunities for action. Many have given ideas for an auction, a garden plot, a dog show, and a year book. These are all wonderful ideas that will help our group achieve its goals of inclusion and progress. In addition, I propose that we enter the new SPA year with a new organizing scheme: action groups. So much of the past activities have come from the leadership. I support the addition of action groups that are created by SPA members for a planning-related activity they want to participate in. If you want to study African Americans in planning, you can do that. If you want to volunteer at the St. Francis house, that's possible too. SPA leadership can serve to help coordinate your needs and get people involved. People know what works and what they want. It also contributes to sustainability.
I would like to thank my campaign managers Caleb and Jeff, as well as Katie, Allison, and Kalanit for giving me good ideas. Thank you.

Ahoy!

So I volunteered to play a role at a Pirate Dinner-Mystery pirate. So, to be true to myself, I went big instead of going home. I bought my costume (which will be part of my Halloween costume now, thanks to the price) and was ready.

Big Hair, bandana, sword, eye patch, cape, and hook. I was ready and accessorized.

The party was awkward at time. The patch and the wig hurt my head, and my vision was unusual. Eating became a chore with the eye patch on. I also felt awkward with the glue in the hook that kept peeling off and making my hand sticky and smelly. I did use my newly acquired bargaining and negotiation skills to gain information from people and having one of the serving wenches (that was their title in the story) get me a drink and rolls with butter. Overall, it was a good time.

But what's next? I have a big wig. Why stop there?

For some pirate vocab, see below. It may be fun to drop it in class, work, or at home. Maybe they'll come back in style.
http://www.nightofmystery.com/Mateys-Dictionary.pdf

Happy Easter!

I thought you might like this website link. It is about a peep diorama contest the Washington Post put on. Enjoy this, and the following video that actually has nothing to do with Easter.
http://www.yumsugar.com/1137185

Peep Wars for Easter! A How-To Guide

So, for Easter I continued a time-honored tradition: Peep wars.
It's the modern alternative to cock fights.

What you do is you take two peeps, preferably of two different colors, and you put them on a plate like below:

Then you put them in the microwave and set the timer for ten seconds.

You wait at the microwave--with the doors closed--and watch to see which of the peeps got bigger and overpowered the other. My color was purple, my friend's was green. Unfortunately, green won every time. You can see the results afterward below:

Please no Michael Vick jokes about the extra melted peeps.

Happy Easter Everybody!!!

Important Announcement

I, Chad Riding, declare my intention to run for president of SPA.

More information and a better picture are to come.

This message was approved by the Chad Riding for SPA President Committee.

Sour Grapes? Never!

My sister says that 25 is the age of bitterness. Tomorrow, March 7, I turn 25.

And I will not be bitter!

But how? Positive Mental Attitude? Maybe. Performing acts of service for others? Probably not. Aroma therapy and spa treatments? no way.

My strategy: sweet, sweet candy.

Duck, Dip, Dive, and Dodge

These are the four D's of dodgeball.

So I played dodgeball in my church dodgeball tournament yesterday. And I must say that I did fairly well for myself. I was actually the last one to get out at the game. That is to say, we sucked and lost every game we played. But the fact that I was the last one to get out probably tells more about the other team than myself.

Why?
I played without my glasses on. And I can't see the giant E at the top of the eye chart at the doctor's office with my glasses off.

I mean, it's not as if I was a moving target. I basically stayed there will blury balls of blue and orange swooshed past me. I just had to move slightly to avoid them. And I got two of the blurs out (I couldn't even recognize if they were boys or girls).

If you're played on by Chad in a sport, you know it's sad.

Below: Dodgeball getting fierce in the UK dodgeball association.

Clay Pot: $1.50, Soil: $1.22, Catnip (2 Packs): $1.94

Unholy army of cat minions: Priceless.

So, as I have explained in this blog post before, there is a slight problem with wild cats in my neighborhood. It has subsided recently, probably because they have gone to live with a nice family on a farm (like my childhood dog), but I can spot a wild cat or two romping through my yard every day or two. Plentiful for my purposes.

But I had never gotten the hang of how I can turn these independent spirits into loyal servants.

Until now.

I have been considering planting a small garden in pots in my back porch. I was thinking about maybe a vegetable, or some California poppies, or Texas Bluebonnets, or even a sunflower. And then I spotted catnip at Wal-Mart for only $0.97 a packet. And my problems were solved.

How do I get a cat, the most disobedient pet to do my bidding? Lemony, minty catnip- they'll be hooked in no time.

And at only $4.71 total at Wal-Mart, it's practically a steal.

This Autobiography will be Bigger than "Don't Hassel the Hoff"

I share the following story with implied oral consent and not expressed written consent. Be warned.

So someone I know told me of his terrible experience with the elementary school field day. George (name changed) was number one in his elementary school power walk. He was champion for years. A badge of triumph, if you ask me. He continued until the judges suspected that he was not really power walking. They made him walk past him, inspecting him to see if he really was power walking. No, George wasn't because both feet were not on the ground at both times and hence he was running.

Scandalous, I know, but I got this from George's own mouth.

And then I thought of what people will remember from my life, and the autobiography that I know will practically write itself. It will be entitled: "Bake it at 375 Degrees with a Pound of Love: the Chad Riding Story" I've had this in mind for several years. The cover page will have a picture of me in front of a beautiful rainbow and cloud filled sunset and objects representing my accomplishments in life.

Chad's Life Accomplishments, as taken from "Bake it at 375 Degrees with a Pound of Love: The Chad Riding Story"

1. Nobel Peace Prize AND Nobel Literature Prize before the age of 30

2. Perpetual Motion Machine

3. UF SPA club presidency

4. Cutest baby in the world

5. Bringing Britney Spears back from the edge

6. Inventing a spoon combined with a straw and a fork

7. The George Foreman-Chad Riding grill and pretzel maker

8. Losing to George Bush at Jeopardy (the categories were rigged, Alex Trebek had it out for me)

9. Saving Christmas from Terrorists
10. Inventing a Food Better than Chocolate

Balanced Day

SO, today was a well balanced day. School work, shopping, carnies at a medieval faire I got free tickets to, free food, and scrabble. More details to come.

Se jatkuu ja sitten se loppuu (Be warned!)

This is the Worst Music Video Ever (I wanna love you tender) by Finnish artists Armi and Dani. I like the Grease-like ending.

This is Finnish YMCA. It is disturbing. I warn you! (but it's not that disturbing!)

And I tell you, I have no more bizarre Finnish videos up my sleeve. For now.

Minä rakastan sinua. Rakastatko minua?

Finns make disco a fine art. That's all I gotta say.

Ist das nicht ein Blogentry?

Ja, das ist ein Blogentry!

So I found this website. It's in German, and, well, mildly disturbing because it deals with Lederhosen. And I'm not entirely proud of it. But you can get this result:

http://www.huettengaudi.de/?dance=zbd4pz71je5f813h

All I need to do is see a dog and a cat hug and I'll have seen it all.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Old and Lovin' It

With two months before my 25th birthday, I am now officially old.
But it really has nothing to do with my age.
I was sitting on my bed the other night at 10:00 pm thinking about what to do. "Geez," I said to myself, "I can read, watch tv, chat with the roommates, have other types of fun, or go to bed." "Tough choice," I replied. After careful consideration, I spoke up. "Sleep" I said. "Good idea," I reaffirmed.
So I chose sleep over fun and am officially old.
Not as if anyone should blame me. On my way to work taking the NPR express, I discovered something called second sleep. Apparently, no one had really known what sleep was like before electric lights provided the option of shucking more corn or tatting a doilie at 11:00 pm. So researchers took normal, modern people and put them in an "ancient" environment of 14 hours of dark. Guess what happened? People started sleeping in shifts. After seven hours of sleep, people would wake up for "a few hours of quiet, attentive tranquility." That would be followed by four more hours of something Homer called "second sleep." I don't know about you, but having a second sleep is much cooler than having only a first sleep. So my decision of sleeping over fun is quite understandable.
I just hope I turn out to be a cute old person.

"What's your favorite pageant slogan?"

Gladys Leeman: "Amer-I-Can" (from Drop Dead Gorgeous, my favorite movie)

So I thought that Amer-I-Can would look good on a t-shirt. So I found these copyright free pictures that would look really good with that slogan. Tell me which ones you think would be funniest.

Gee, I Must Have Made that Left Turn At Albuquerque

Bugs Bunny would sometimes begin his cartoons by his burrowing into a new, crazy location. He would explain this to the audience by saying that he made a left turn at Albuquerque. After that, everything would go wrong.

And that's how I feel about Michael Crichton's 2004 book State of Fear, which I title: State of Fear: A very convenient book. The fictional work focuses much of its attention on the global warming conspiracy and how eco-freaks are using it to their political advantage. Fine. I can dig any number of premises, such as: Jimmy Stewart was the Anti-Christ bent on world domination (for guys) AND that girl that wore the same coctail dress as you last Saturday (for girls). And only an unholy alliance of Celine Dion, Wayne Newton, The Carebears and Chuck Norris can stop him. But please keep up the pace. And give the book an ending. And don't be preachy. I'm talking to you, Mike.

The book begins with the death of George Morton, a gazillionaire supporter of environmentalists, in a fatal car crash. His most trusted lawyer Peter Evans and his trusted, sexy assistant Sarah embark on a voyage of adventure and danger, led by the mysterious yet wise John Kenner and his foreign sidekick Thapa.

But after an incident in New Mexico where EVERYONE overcomes nearly IMPOSSIBLE odds the novel makes a left turn turn at Albuquerque. Quite literally. The battle-scarred heroes go back to Los Angeles, and the novel's pace slows. And the author gets preachy about the global warming conspiracy. Indeed, Crichton seems to focus more attention on making environmentalists look ridiculous than tying all the loose ends up. (****SPOILER ALERT****) You never find out what happens to Nick Drake, the book's main villain, and the book closes with the scientist John Kenner's viewpoint about scientific independence. Despite these major flaws, Crichton did round up an impressive amount of research (all of which is meticulously documented, with annotated bibliographies) and makes some very interesting and valid points about global warming, science, politics, and the media.

But next time, Mike, make the right turn at Albuquerque.

2008, Why Can't You be More Like 2005?

So 2007 has come and gone. This leaves us with a bittersweet feeling.

And a feeling of ANGER at what we haven't accomplished.

In 2001: A Space Odyssey, I was promised space flights, aliens, and computers that sang songs about daisies to me.

But where's my diasy song? It's 2008 for goodness sake.

Here's a list of what SHOULD be here but isn't:

Flying Cars

Aliens (the Friendly Kind)

Cure for Cancer

Human Clones

Cities on the Moon

Good-tasting Olives

Ray Guns

Robots (both deadly and friendly- take your pick)

Teleportation

There are numerous things we do have but were never predicted, like the internet.

But where's my song about daisies?

I Accuse Goody Smith of Being a Witch

And other logical arguments I'll hear after this blog entry

Well, after about nine months of constant political assault and harrassment, I thought I would share a few things that I have noticed.

I support Bill Richardson, but realize that he won't make it far at all. After him I like Hillary.

Oh come on. Stop it.

You say she's evil. You say she's the bride of Satan.

My question for you is: Has Hillary Clinton appeared to you at night asking you to sign your name in her book?

Probably not.