If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Dodge a Ball Thrown by a Mormon on a Trampoline

Yes, the title says it all. Last night for FHE we went to Sky High Sports in Rancho Cordova. What is that? It's a sports facility dedicated primarily to trampolines. And safety. And dodgeball.

Now, you might think, "Geez, Chad, that's a pretty dumb concept for an activity." To which I reply, "You don't know what you're missing!"

So what they have set up is a series of trampolines joined together by safety padding, with trampolines on the sides. You bounce from trampoline to trampoline, picking up the dodgeball and getting others (and yourself) out. It couldn't have been more fun.

Now, I actually suspected that it would suck. Mostly, I actually suspected that I'd be standing in the corner by myself with two or three bullies (a la the Simpsons) pounding on me or bouncing me up and down against my will. All the while I'd be shaking back and forth, shouting: "Make it go away! Make it go away!" I don't like bullies, and I especially don't like danger.

But what I found was a safe environment, happy people (who could be sad on a trampoline?), and I was pretty OK at dodging. Not throwing, but dodging.

So, if you've got $10 to spare, I highly recommend trampoline dodgeball. Worth every (church-sponsored) penny and liability waiver signing.

So, to close this off with a Jack Handy saying:

"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control."

Note: None of these are from our activity. It's hard to take a picture on a trampoline.

Would You Like Ferengis with That?

So, yesterday I went to the library to pick up a book or two (this time I picked up four, all travel books for planning my trip to Europe). And the internet was down at the library, and their website wasn't available either to search for books or even to scan them at checkout. This meant that the librarian had to write down the serial number on my books and then enter them in later when the computers are back online.

So, we were chatting it up about the Old School library, you know, the card in the slot, the card catalog, lining up the books just right, etc. At which point the librarian said: "You know, it's like deja vu all over again, or nIB'poH as the Klingons say, not as if I'm into that or anything." We then went on for about 20 seconds until I said, "Oh, you study Klingon?" to which she replied: "Well, not as if I take any classes, but yes, I study it."

I smiled the whole time.

Now let me tell you, I loved me some Star Trek when I was a kid. It was fun and sexy and adventurous. I was a bit of a nerd (read: my mommy thought I was cool) and a Trekkie, and I think there's a little bit of Trekkie in me still. But if you're going to bust out the Klingon dictionary, you need to own it. You know, throw down some awesome Klingon rhymes, mating ceremony poems, and Klingon jive talkin'. So sister friend at the library, you rock it, y'all.

And for a low price in Vegas, these wedding options can be yours. Let's see, which ones in the picture immediately above were less than happy at attending his brother's wedding in Star Trek costume? I count at least 4.

Questionable Questions of Questionness

As I'm sitting here on my lunch break, eating a hot pocket and whittling down my enamel with soda pop (notice the region-neutral phrasing), I thought I'd mention a moral debate I had last night with some of the Germans folks I know. It was a nice night on a restaurant terrace, and the topic turned to the recent killing of Osama bin Laden. They were up in arms about German Chancellor and pant-suit enthusiast Angela Merkel's statement that she was happy about Osama bin Laden's death. I thought: "You tell it sister! Testify! [insert clapping sound here]" Apparently some CRAZY people have the idea that rejoicing in another person's death is morbid and macabre. Not me. I say if I found Osama bin Laden in my kitchen, trying to steal my high-fiber food products, I'd have every right as a native-born Texan to do the same. With a shotgun.
Then the debate began. Normally I try to avoid debates, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I think that I am right 95.86% of the time (sometimes I'm gassy or have to pee, which affects my judgment). Plus, it was three on one, and my little man instincts were awoken (at 5' 8 1/4", they mostly slumber). I mean, this was the guy that killed 3,000 Americans on September 11. And he was trying to kill more. So why not shoot the guy?
Their argument, which they tag-teamed: You should always give someone a trial, even if they are a murderer. We live in a land of laws, and we shouldn't lower ourselves to their level. If he was unarmed, why not arrest him?
My response: We don't really know all the details, so we can't really judge. Even if it was somewhat questionable to kill him (which I don't think it was), I think it's OK to be happy that the jerk is dead. I mean, do we need to put him on trial to find out that he (gasp) organized 9/11? And had I been alive in 1945, I'd have been OK with a certain Austrian's untimely end. And one bit, which I didn't mention, is that I'm proud of our servicemen and women who risked their lives in this operation. They were real heroes in this story.
I don't think that my arguments were that persuasive or even that cogent. Given that the debate was in German and my statements went something like: "Osama bin Storeshop is been very bad man who go to Hades on techno subway. I like rejoice when bad people have ending good for us," Who is to blame my debate partners? I mean, I could have been wrong, too. I had three soda pops and a water, so I really had to wee.
Obligatory patriotic copyright-free picture of our 20th President, James A Garfield:

Geez, I have to Iron my Kilt Again

Good Day, Everyone!

I was in a hipster-infested magazine store yesterday to buy an obscure news magazine. By obscure I mean German, and by news magazine I mean der Spiegel. Didn't have it. In any case, I was looking at the news periodicals, when I saw a man in a skirt. A pleated skirt. I walked behind him, pretending to look at the magazine but really trying to find out if this man was wearing baggy shorts (to hide his girth) or a proper skirt. I mean kilt. The answer came when I saw the label: it was a kilt brand that markets kilts to the active man.

This has obviously led to much introspection. Is it ever appropriate for a dude to wear a kilt? I took a look at the kilt brand's gallery and said maybe. If you're hunting a bear with a battle ax and deer blood (as bait), then yes, no one should be able to question your manhood. Or if you're the guitarist in a metal band, you have enough testosterone to wear a kilt. If you are building a house or a bear trap, then you can wear a kilt. If you are fighting Al Qaeda and drug smugglers in Afghanistan, then you can wear a kilt.

But for me and my friend in the magazine store, even if that kilt is made by Bonnie Prince Charlie himself, I can never wear a kilt.

Done.

My Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan

With the year 2012 (the Apocalypse Year) closely approaching and the popularity of the Walking Dead, I thought I'd share with you all my fool-proof Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan. Now, there are a few assumptions about this particular Zombie Apocalypse. There are two main types of Zombies: supernatural and scientific. Supernatural zombies are difficult. In case of supernatural zombies, you either have to join them (I mean, it can't be all that bad to be a Zombie) or go hard-core Zombie slayer and end up dying in a blaze of glory (like Buffy or Spike (I met him- he's a nice guy)). I assume that any Zombie Apocalypse will be scientific Zombies, such as a Zombie virus.

So you ask yourself: "But Chad, what are we going to do? The Zombies are at my door, and I don't know what to do!"

My Plan is as follows:

1. Grab any gun, baseball bat, or sharp pointy object you can.

2. Grab your supply of food, water, and clothes for about two weeks.

3. Head up to the great white north. Canada.

Yes, that's correct. Canada will be safe from Zombies. Not all of Canada. Just some of it. Here's my logic: What kills Zombies? Killing the brain. What kills brains? Shotgun blasts, bashes to the head, fire, and EXTREME COLD. Yes, that's right. Extreme cold. The brain cells expand, burst, and the Zombie dies. Or undies, I don't really know the proper terminology.

A large chunk of North America (see red line on the map below) freezes below -20 Fahrenheit each year. I reckon this is cold enough to kill brain cells. And the areas where Zombies don't die each year will be full of Zombies. So what you have to do is go very far up north so the survivor Zombies won't be able to reach you before the harsh winters kill them off again. So all you need to do is just chill out for a decade or so until the Zombies kill each other off.

For potential locations I have Whitehorse, Yukon or Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. They are full of fresh water, have plenty of timber for fuel and furniture, and are full of game, such as Moose and fish. Don't get me wrong: these are crap holes. No kidding there. But they'll be Zombie-free crap holes. And plus, since Canada has high gun ownership levels, they'll have tons of supplies for Zombie hunting, should you come across some.

My plan could have flaws (which I doubt). If you find anything lacking, please let me know.

It Was the Best of TV Shows, It Was the Worst of TV Shows

Hello, Blog! After a year and a half, I thought I'd say hi. Not much has changed except that I work in a different city (but live in about the same neighborhood as before) and I have not had a mullet since November of 2009. Yes, I've been mullet free and loving it.

I thought I'd start a semi-regular feature about the best and worst TV shows I've seen in the past while. When I last blogged in Nov 2009, I had just been introduced to the wonderful world of Netflix and had purchased my own account. Now, after a year and a half of the 'Flix, I have to admit that there is a lot of crappy television and a lot of awesome television out there. Here are some of my favorites (in no particular order):

1. The IT Crowd. So here's this show's recipe for success: Put an Irishman, a British Nerd, and a Ginger in the same room, and presto! Instant comedy success. My favorite catchline from the show: "I'm disabled."

2. Justified. No, this isn't on streaming. But DVDs count too. This show takes the usual law man show and adds a hillbilly twist to it: A lawman returns to his Kentucky rooots, with his former love interest waiting for him. And plenty of hicks. It really works because of the brilliant scripting and acting chops, especially Timothy Olyphant.

3. Psych. Dule Hill, James Roday, and that guy from LA Law. Need I say more? (Yes, I saw them at Comic Con)

4. Burn Notice. Don't cross Michael Westen. Ever. And I also saw Bruce Campbell, AKA Sam Axe, AKA AKA Chuck Finley, at Comic Con. He's even more awesome in person.

5. 30 Rock. I can't believe I waited almost 5 full seasons before I fell in love with this show. Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey, that Southern Dude, and Alec Baldwin. Who knew that Alec Baldwin was so funny and willing to make fun of himself? Brilliant writing, and Tina Fey's character actually speaks some pretty good German.

And here's for the worst shows. Some are just categories of shows.

1. Boondocks. If the swearing doesn't get you, the racial slurs will. I don't know what they're saying all the time or why they're saying it, but it's actually pretty offensive.

2. Most Anime. I hate to say it, but Anime is not my favorite genre. I saw some pretty bizarre Anime displays at last year's masquerade (at Comic Con, brought to you by true blood). And they were all off-putting. As my Japanese friend in college said: "Yeah, we don't really like Anime that much in Japan either."

3. Most Reality TV. I mean, as much as I am dying to see Kim Kardashian buy shoes or act spoiled and self-absorbed, I think that most of this TV is a waste of time and resources. Unfortunately, because it's so cheap and oddly popular, I only see this trend continuing.

4. Monday Monday. I gave this show about fifteen minutes, 12 minutes more than I should have. It's about a youngish British girl who is seeking her place in life. This works when Tina Fey does it, but not when someone with no charm or real acting talent does it.

5. Melrose Place 2.0. Yes, I heard about it and decided I had to discover how terrible it really was. I mean, it was fortunately cancelled, so it's reign of terror ended. I have spent about 10 minutes flipping through the fast forward feature on Netflix. If the bad acting doesn't get you, the poor writing will. This is one case where I think the Nielsen system works.

This was the wrap-up for now. Let me know if you have any good or bad TV shows to view. I'll be on the look out.