El Cinco de Chado

When I came to Sacramento, I knew I would come here single. In fact, I kinda planned it that way. But that meant that I would have to start the dating scene here from scratch. And I am starting from scratch. This means, however, that I must choose a dating strategy of my choice. There are actually several types of dating strategies, most of which involve alcohol.

I chose the cinco method for myself. This was taught to me by my awesome roommates Matt, John, Hacksaw, and Puls. Essentially what you do is you have a queue of the five most boxom and flirty Single young Mormon women you know. You start at the top, ask her out, and then work your way down as they are removed from the queue and new ones are brought in. If you like one you keep it as long as you'd like until you're removed from the program all together. Kinda like Netflix.
The problem is, women are the ultimate gatekeepers in dating. In other words, I can ask one out, but she can say no. And she does. A lot. That brings me to another principle of dating: the +/- 1 rule. This rule says that a guy can really only expect to go out with a girl 1 point ahead of him on the 1 to 10 scale. A girl, in turn, will only go for a guy at most 1 point less than her.
I'd say I'm about a 5. This may be generous considering I'm 5' 8 1/4", have a receding hairline, a crooked spine, poor posture (surprisingly not related to the spine), and perpetual garlic breath (I like Italian food, thank you very much!). The best I can hope for is a 6, maybe a 7 if she is defective in some way (make sure you check the hyperlink). But I have a solution:
A dream cinco.
Yes, I actually have to develop two separate cincos- one with realistic goals, and one where I shoot for the stars. Even the sky-in-the-clouds cinco has some limits. Like the following person is not in my cinco because she's married to a man with the world's most powerful army.

But look at how toned her arms are!
So I figured I'd share my dream cinco with y'all.
1. Pam from the Office. I don't care if that isn't the actress's real name because I'm not in love with Jenna Fischer. I'm in love with Pam. It is a dream cinco after all.
2. Esmeralda from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It doesn't matter to me that she's not three-dimensional. She is hot and sensitive. And she was kind to the hunchback, who was like a 1 or 2, so there's always hope.
3. Enya, or Eithne Patricia Ní Bhraonáin. Voice of an Angel she has. As well as an Irish accent. And money. Money. MONEY.
4. Dame Helen Mirren. Sure, she may be old enough to be my mother, but I mean come on. She's been made a dame. And she no longer does you know what.
5. Christina Stürmer. She's just a really hot woman with a little bit of edge- just what I like. If you're interested, observe from this video from her record label's YouTube channel. I think you'll see.
Wish me luck as I go through my cinco queue.