One beautiful Saturday night I was doing what any self-respecting Chad would do: watch his regular routine of Animal Planet, preferably Dogs 101 at 7:00 and at 8:00, and the stern former British Model turned dog (and people) trainer in It's Me or the Dog at 9:00 PM.
But one Saturday it wasn't on. Instead, it was an Animal Planet special about dancing dogs that have human partners. How cute is that! There were beautiful muts, sassy spaniels, and elegant white English Golden Retrievers. They followed the movements of their owners so well, were so eager to please. It was magic.
The human contestants were pleasant single women in their thirties and above with a passion for animals and panache for dance.
And then I realized something profound:
I need a girlfriend.
Stat.
This is not something I should be doing alone on a Saturday night.
Now I have an idea that any clever bureaucrat would have in a time like this:
A standard application form to date Chad.
I can't say that this is actually new. Or even my idea. In fact, I saw someone at BYU with a shirt in Japanese that said: "Now Accepting Applications for a Japanese Girlfriend."
Then I say to myself: "Self-I can do that. I mean, I can read, write, and make forms."
So here you go world: The application to be Chad's Girlfriend.
Instructions: Paste the following text to a Microsoft Word document, convert to pdf and send to Chad, and then submit in triplicate with a $25 processing fee.
1. Name.
2. Sex. (Sorry boys, males are out)
3. Religion. (I only want Mormon girls, sorry Episcopalians)
4. Are you Canadian? (Note: this does not automatically exclude you but it is an important deciding factor)
5. Height. (Remember that I'm only 5' 8 1/4")
6. Education.
7. Age. (Caution: you must be within my half my age plus seven AND your half your age plus seven range. Cougars are not automatically rejected).
8. Home State: ______________________
9. What would you do on your dream date?
10. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
11. What are your feelings towards The Simpsons?
12. List the top 15 things you like about Chad.
13. Your feelings toward form-based codes can be described as.......
Please answer the following factual questions correctly:
14. Chad's least favorite president is: ______________
15. Chad's most favorite male German chancellor is: ______________
16. A train traveling at 60 mph is leaving Washington, D.C. at 5:00 pm headed toward Philadelphia. A train leaving Dayton, OH is traveling toward Louisville, KY at 40 mph. Which train is blue?
17. Chad's favorite band is: _____________________
18. Complete the following Finnish sentence using the proper form of kauppa. Me menimme _________.
19. The thing that disappointed Chad the most about the movie for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was:_____________
Essay Question:
20. Although many cite that democracy in the Weimar Republic died the day Hitler came to power in January 1933, many believe that democracy in fact died earlier in the Republic's short lifespan. Build a convincing argument why you agree or disagree with this statement, citing the influence of Reich Chancellors von Papen and Schleicher and Presidents Ebert and von Hindenburg. (Limit 6,000 words)
_______
See? Easy as pie. I think I will have a girlfriend in exactly 67 hours, nay, 52 hours.
Thank you, golden retrievers, for teaching me a true lesson in life.
16 comments:
well played Chad, well played.
-Caleb
I have 5 candidates in mind. They're filling out the form now and have gotten $25 bank notes ready.
You're sure guys are out? Just kidding, but since I live in S.F. I thought it would be funny, by the way, you can come hang out with me any Saturday night you want, until I get a girlfriend at least.
Chad, your form skills need work. Copy the following text into a word document? C'mon, you're a bureaucrat now, you can definitely do better than that! The world expects no less than a pdf with text fields.
If this is to be your application, how are you going to get girls to apply? How to plan to market yourself, and let those poor lonely girls out there know that you are accepting applications? Having your minions go out and distribute fliers might help. Create a website devoted to the application process, and perhaps you should talk to people about it.
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