Of Scared Chads and Shivs

People often ask me what the key to surviving a European hostel is. Without hesitation, I tell them it is knowing how to make a good shiv. Am I crazy? Maybe. But two experiences this past summer confirm the need.

In late August, I was returning to Helsinki from a fun time in Berlin. I was a young, sexy traveler who just needed some sleep. So I checked into my hostel and started to fall asleep (if my noisy roommates would let me) in the dorm room with 12 others. I was luckily on the bottom bunk. At about 3:00 am this guy, most likely drunk (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt) sits next to my bed and says, "You're in my bed." To which I responded: "No, I'm not." He then starts putting his arm next to my body and then starts to sit in bed with me, thinking that if he creeped me out I'd leave, so I had to shove him out of bed. Fortunately he was drunk and didn't put up much of a fight. A shiv would have been handy in case of a fight.

A few days later in Tampere, Finland, I was in a YMCA hostel and found that my roommate for the night was a very Chestery-looking 60+ man in tight boxers and a big beer belly hanging out. Super creepy, in other words. If there ever were a time when I thought I was going to be violated, it was this. He was polite enough to turn off his ipad at 11:30 pm, but just to be careful, I slept with my keys in hands so I could have a shiv to defend myself.

Now, you may think, "Chad, you're probably overreacting and should check yourself before you wreck yourself." You're probably right - going stabba-stabba on someone is bad. But when you're a little man with very little self-defense capabilities (my preferred fighting style is the "windmill" move - i.e., swinging my arms in a wild fashion), you've gotta use all tools at your disposal, even if it resorts to prison methods.

But as my old boss used to say: "She's so good with a shiv you'll hardly feel a thing."

Finnish Pop Sensation Jenni Vartiainen. A shiv might help her untie those knots.