Questionable Questions of Questionness

As I'm sitting here on my lunch break, eating a hot pocket and whittling down my enamel with soda pop (notice the region-neutral phrasing), I thought I'd mention a moral debate I had last night with some of the Germans folks I know. It was a nice night on a restaurant terrace, and the topic turned to the recent killing of Osama bin Laden. They were up in arms about German Chancellor and pant-suit enthusiast Angela Merkel's statement that she was happy about Osama bin Laden's death. I thought: "You tell it sister! Testify! [insert clapping sound here]" Apparently some CRAZY people have the idea that rejoicing in another person's death is morbid and macabre. Not me. I say if I found Osama bin Laden in my kitchen, trying to steal my high-fiber food products, I'd have every right as a native-born Texan to do the same. With a shotgun.
Then the debate began. Normally I try to avoid debates, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I think that I am right 95.86% of the time (sometimes I'm gassy or have to pee, which affects my judgment). Plus, it was three on one, and my little man instincts were awoken (at 5' 8 1/4", they mostly slumber). I mean, this was the guy that killed 3,000 Americans on September 11. And he was trying to kill more. So why not shoot the guy?
Their argument, which they tag-teamed: You should always give someone a trial, even if they are a murderer. We live in a land of laws, and we shouldn't lower ourselves to their level. If he was unarmed, why not arrest him?
My response: We don't really know all the details, so we can't really judge. Even if it was somewhat questionable to kill him (which I don't think it was), I think it's OK to be happy that the jerk is dead. I mean, do we need to put him on trial to find out that he (gasp) organized 9/11? And had I been alive in 1945, I'd have been OK with a certain Austrian's untimely end. And one bit, which I didn't mention, is that I'm proud of our servicemen and women who risked their lives in this operation. They were real heroes in this story.
I don't think that my arguments were that persuasive or even that cogent. Given that the debate was in German and my statements went something like: "Osama bin Storeshop is been very bad man who go to Hades on techno subway. I like rejoice when bad people have ending good for us," Who is to blame my debate partners? I mean, I could have been wrong, too. I had three soda pops and a water, so I really had to wee.
Obligatory patriotic copyright-free picture of our 20th President, James A Garfield:

Geez, I have to Iron my Kilt Again

Good Day, Everyone!

I was in a hipster-infested magazine store yesterday to buy an obscure news magazine. By obscure I mean German, and by news magazine I mean der Spiegel. Didn't have it. In any case, I was looking at the news periodicals, when I saw a man in a skirt. A pleated skirt. I walked behind him, pretending to look at the magazine but really trying to find out if this man was wearing baggy shorts (to hide his girth) or a proper skirt. I mean kilt. The answer came when I saw the label: it was a kilt brand that markets kilts to the active man.

This has obviously led to much introspection. Is it ever appropriate for a dude to wear a kilt? I took a look at the kilt brand's gallery and said maybe. If you're hunting a bear with a battle ax and deer blood (as bait), then yes, no one should be able to question your manhood. Or if you're the guitarist in a metal band, you have enough testosterone to wear a kilt. If you are building a house or a bear trap, then you can wear a kilt. If you are fighting Al Qaeda and drug smugglers in Afghanistan, then you can wear a kilt.

But for me and my friend in the magazine store, even if that kilt is made by Bonnie Prince Charlie himself, I can never wear a kilt.

Done.

My Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan

With the year 2012 (the Apocalypse Year) closely approaching and the popularity of the Walking Dead, I thought I'd share with you all my fool-proof Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan. Now, there are a few assumptions about this particular Zombie Apocalypse. There are two main types of Zombies: supernatural and scientific. Supernatural zombies are difficult. In case of supernatural zombies, you either have to join them (I mean, it can't be all that bad to be a Zombie) or go hard-core Zombie slayer and end up dying in a blaze of glory (like Buffy or Spike (I met him- he's a nice guy)). I assume that any Zombie Apocalypse will be scientific Zombies, such as a Zombie virus.

So you ask yourself: "But Chad, what are we going to do? The Zombies are at my door, and I don't know what to do!"

My Plan is as follows:

1. Grab any gun, baseball bat, or sharp pointy object you can.

2. Grab your supply of food, water, and clothes for about two weeks.

3. Head up to the great white north. Canada.

Yes, that's correct. Canada will be safe from Zombies. Not all of Canada. Just some of it. Here's my logic: What kills Zombies? Killing the brain. What kills brains? Shotgun blasts, bashes to the head, fire, and EXTREME COLD. Yes, that's right. Extreme cold. The brain cells expand, burst, and the Zombie dies. Or undies, I don't really know the proper terminology.

A large chunk of North America (see red line on the map below) freezes below -20 Fahrenheit each year. I reckon this is cold enough to kill brain cells. And the areas where Zombies don't die each year will be full of Zombies. So what you have to do is go very far up north so the survivor Zombies won't be able to reach you before the harsh winters kill them off again. So all you need to do is just chill out for a decade or so until the Zombies kill each other off.

For potential locations I have Whitehorse, Yukon or Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. They are full of fresh water, have plenty of timber for fuel and furniture, and are full of game, such as Moose and fish. Don't get me wrong: these are crap holes. No kidding there. But they'll be Zombie-free crap holes. And plus, since Canada has high gun ownership levels, they'll have tons of supplies for Zombie hunting, should you come across some.

My plan could have flaws (which I doubt). If you find anything lacking, please let me know.

It Was the Best of TV Shows, It Was the Worst of TV Shows

Hello, Blog! After a year and a half, I thought I'd say hi. Not much has changed except that I work in a different city (but live in about the same neighborhood as before) and I have not had a mullet since November of 2009. Yes, I've been mullet free and loving it.

I thought I'd start a semi-regular feature about the best and worst TV shows I've seen in the past while. When I last blogged in Nov 2009, I had just been introduced to the wonderful world of Netflix and had purchased my own account. Now, after a year and a half of the 'Flix, I have to admit that there is a lot of crappy television and a lot of awesome television out there. Here are some of my favorites (in no particular order):

1. The IT Crowd. So here's this show's recipe for success: Put an Irishman, a British Nerd, and a Ginger in the same room, and presto! Instant comedy success. My favorite catchline from the show: "I'm disabled."

2. Justified. No, this isn't on streaming. But DVDs count too. This show takes the usual law man show and adds a hillbilly twist to it: A lawman returns to his Kentucky rooots, with his former love interest waiting for him. And plenty of hicks. It really works because of the brilliant scripting and acting chops, especially Timothy Olyphant.

3. Psych. Dule Hill, James Roday, and that guy from LA Law. Need I say more? (Yes, I saw them at Comic Con)

4. Burn Notice. Don't cross Michael Westen. Ever. And I also saw Bruce Campbell, AKA Sam Axe, AKA AKA Chuck Finley, at Comic Con. He's even more awesome in person.

5. 30 Rock. I can't believe I waited almost 5 full seasons before I fell in love with this show. Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey, that Southern Dude, and Alec Baldwin. Who knew that Alec Baldwin was so funny and willing to make fun of himself? Brilliant writing, and Tina Fey's character actually speaks some pretty good German.

And here's for the worst shows. Some are just categories of shows.

1. Boondocks. If the swearing doesn't get you, the racial slurs will. I don't know what they're saying all the time or why they're saying it, but it's actually pretty offensive.

2. Most Anime. I hate to say it, but Anime is not my favorite genre. I saw some pretty bizarre Anime displays at last year's masquerade (at Comic Con, brought to you by true blood). And they were all off-putting. As my Japanese friend in college said: "Yeah, we don't really like Anime that much in Japan either."

3. Most Reality TV. I mean, as much as I am dying to see Kim Kardashian buy shoes or act spoiled and self-absorbed, I think that most of this TV is a waste of time and resources. Unfortunately, because it's so cheap and oddly popular, I only see this trend continuing.

4. Monday Monday. I gave this show about fifteen minutes, 12 minutes more than I should have. It's about a youngish British girl who is seeking her place in life. This works when Tina Fey does it, but not when someone with no charm or real acting talent does it.

5. Melrose Place 2.0. Yes, I heard about it and decided I had to discover how terrible it really was. I mean, it was fortunately cancelled, so it's reign of terror ended. I have spent about 10 minutes flipping through the fast forward feature on Netflix. If the bad acting doesn't get you, the poor writing will. This is one case where I think the Nielsen system works.

This was the wrap-up for now. Let me know if you have any good or bad TV shows to view. I'll be on the look out.

Good Bye, Mullet...

Some love affairs never last. Such was mine with the mullet. I really don't know why. It was the perfect hair cut. It was easy to take care of but still had a lot of personality. My favorite part: shaking my head very quickly so the mullet would caress my neck. It was like a friend that was always there.

And I got several comments at work about it, and surprisingly most were positive. A very matronly woman at work complemented it, saying it was like her anime-loving son's haircut. Another coworker said it fit my personality.

But alas, there were problems with the hair cut. First, I felt embarrassed to go outside. I don't know why. I mean, I was rockin' a mullet. What could have gone wrong? Plus, I even made a mullet-laden pilgrimage to Wal-Mart and bought cleaning supplies for my house. But I let the world get to me. I let what "The Man" thinks get to me. So Last Saturday, after only six days of a mullet, I had a roommate give me a hair cut. He did a good job. I am attaching pictures of the new "professional" (give me a break) haircut to this post. I hope you enjoy.

RIP Chad's Mullet: November 1, 2009 - November 7, 2009. We're richer for having known and lost you.

Note: I actually like my new haircut a lot and want to get it cut like this in the future. I will give you more pictures later...

The Mullet Chronicles, Part I

This morning I awoke and decided that the beard and I had to part ways. In its place I decided to add another friend: Mr. Mullet. Yup, one checked out but another checked in.

Please observe the following picture:

There are two things I like about this picture. First, you can see both the business in the front AND the party in the back. This was truly a work of beauty and a labor of love.

There are several things I like about my mullet. First, I don't have to do anything to it. I just wash it and then I'm done. I let the party take care of itself. Second, I have something in the back to play with. Third, and most of all, I like to let it swish around the back of my neck. It's like all the benefits of long hair without the hassle.

People at church laughed as they were right to do so. But I think they also appreciated my honesty to myself and the fact that I really am dedicated to it. I'm proud of who I am.

Moses! Moses! I mean, Charlton Heston as Moses!

So, I thought I would give y'all a taste of what Moses looked like. I mean Charlton Heston as Moses. People tugged on the beard to see if it was real. And it was real. So, here's to three months of hard work:

You had to have the tablets of the commandments to really understand what it was. And people got it and thought it was funny. The only down side to the costume: the thong notch was killing me. I gotta get better sandals next time.