"What's your favorite pageant slogan?"

Gladys Leeman: "Amer-I-Can" (from Drop Dead Gorgeous, my favorite movie)

So I thought that Amer-I-Can would look good on a t-shirt. So I found these copyright free pictures that would look really good with that slogan. Tell me which ones you think would be funniest.

Gee, I Must Have Made that Left Turn At Albuquerque

Bugs Bunny would sometimes begin his cartoons by his burrowing into a new, crazy location. He would explain this to the audience by saying that he made a left turn at Albuquerque. After that, everything would go wrong.

And that's how I feel about Michael Crichton's 2004 book State of Fear, which I title: State of Fear: A very convenient book. The fictional work focuses much of its attention on the global warming conspiracy and how eco-freaks are using it to their political advantage. Fine. I can dig any number of premises, such as: Jimmy Stewart was the Anti-Christ bent on world domination (for guys) AND that girl that wore the same coctail dress as you last Saturday (for girls). And only an unholy alliance of Celine Dion, Wayne Newton, The Carebears and Chuck Norris can stop him. But please keep up the pace. And give the book an ending. And don't be preachy. I'm talking to you, Mike.

The book begins with the death of George Morton, a gazillionaire supporter of environmentalists, in a fatal car crash. His most trusted lawyer Peter Evans and his trusted, sexy assistant Sarah embark on a voyage of adventure and danger, led by the mysterious yet wise John Kenner and his foreign sidekick Thapa.

But after an incident in New Mexico where EVERYONE overcomes nearly IMPOSSIBLE odds the novel makes a left turn turn at Albuquerque. Quite literally. The battle-scarred heroes go back to Los Angeles, and the novel's pace slows. And the author gets preachy about the global warming conspiracy. Indeed, Crichton seems to focus more attention on making environmentalists look ridiculous than tying all the loose ends up. (****SPOILER ALERT****) You never find out what happens to Nick Drake, the book's main villain, and the book closes with the scientist John Kenner's viewpoint about scientific independence. Despite these major flaws, Crichton did round up an impressive amount of research (all of which is meticulously documented, with annotated bibliographies) and makes some very interesting and valid points about global warming, science, politics, and the media.

But next time, Mike, make the right turn at Albuquerque.

2008, Why Can't You be More Like 2005?

So 2007 has come and gone. This leaves us with a bittersweet feeling.

And a feeling of ANGER at what we haven't accomplished.

In 2001: A Space Odyssey, I was promised space flights, aliens, and computers that sang songs about daisies to me.

But where's my diasy song? It's 2008 for goodness sake.

Here's a list of what SHOULD be here but isn't:

Flying Cars

Aliens (the Friendly Kind)

Cure for Cancer

Human Clones

Cities on the Moon

Good-tasting Olives

Ray Guns

Robots (both deadly and friendly- take your pick)

Teleportation

There are numerous things we do have but were never predicted, like the internet.

But where's my song about daisies?

I Accuse Goody Smith of Being a Witch

And other logical arguments I'll hear after this blog entry

Well, after about nine months of constant political assault and harrassment, I thought I would share a few things that I have noticed.

I support Bill Richardson, but realize that he won't make it far at all. After him I like Hillary.

Oh come on. Stop it.

You say she's evil. You say she's the bride of Satan.

My question for you is: Has Hillary Clinton appeared to you at night asking you to sign your name in her book?

Probably not.

Sir Mix-A-Lot was Knighted for his Work Promoting Women's Rights

Baby got back!

So, we have this new fancy-shmancy type of trash can in my home in California (the best state) that opens when you wave your hand in front of it or even walk by it.
This enforces the "he-who-tops-it-off-drops-it-off" rule.
But the batteries don't work right. Or I don't know how to wave my hand correctly.
So I've found the only way I know how to open the kitchen trash can lid:

The title of this blog entry pretty much gives it away.

So I have to back into the trash can to get it to open, then turn quickly, and deposit the trash in the can before the lid closes.

I use quick, inconspicuous dance steps to get the job done right.
It's really sad.

Kissing Kousins

So I am now watching MoTab's (Morm. Tab. Choir) Christmas special on PBS with Sissel, the Norweigan singer. Then I realized something: If Swedish and Danish had a baby, it would be Norweigan.

So then I got to thinking: where do other places/ people potentially come from?

Canada is an easy one: Canada is America's sister that was raised by a stern British nanny- the kind that uses a switch when you're naughty.

Florida is also a slam-dunk example: a marriage of New York and Alabama. Florida obviously has identity issues.

New Jersey is New York's red-headed step child from its later relationship with Connecticut.

California has produced five different states: Arizona, New Mexico, Oregon, Nevada (please pronounce it right), and Wisconsin.

Arizona had a brief marriage to Florida in the 1990s from which it produced Missouri. Canada is currently raising Washington, which is Oregon and Vermont's love child.

I now have a long list of state's I can't live in. I'm working on making it longer.

Please send any hate mail to:

Chad Can Plan ; 1120 Main Street ; Cool Town, USA 867-5309

Missouri and Tennessee on a date (below)

Saruman! Saruman! Saruman!

I am sitting in Las Vegas's McCarran Airport with an ETA 12 hours later than what I originally expected. With a free night in a Super 8 motel, $10 of meal vouchers left, and a free flight anywhere in the lower 48 states. Ah, I love flight cancellations and overbooked flights. And I love free wireless connections in the airport peppered with a very jetlagged and sleep-deprived the Chad.
I am back in my beloved Western United States. "East is least, West is best" is what I remind myself everyday on the East Coast.
You know what the greatest thing is about the West? It's not the people (people are equally cool everywhere, just in a different way). It's not the food (same everywhere, though with Carl's Junior and Rally's and Dreyer's). It's not the climate (though I really like the climate in the West better).
It's the lack of trees.
I know, I am officially evil.
I like trees. I like how they provide shade.
But all things in moderation. I mean, they're everywhere in Florida. And they make everything dark. And you can't see far into them.
So what do they have to hide?
I'm suspicious.
So I am reminded of Lord of the Rings and Saruman, who felled many a tree, and the orks and Uruk-hai, who shouted his name, encouraging deforestation.
So I shout with my Middle Earth brethren:
Saruman! Saruman! Saruman!